Facing the Blind Deaf Stone Alone

“…the sea’s only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong. Now, I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head…” – Primo Levi


Let me just say, I hate this sculpture.

I don’t know where it came from or why it’s there. All I know is that I’ve had to look at it almost every morning for three years. Three years and thankfully not four, as I spent one year in California, which only seems like a dream now.

It is displayed up on a hill that the express bus passes on its run from the South parking lot to campus. Every morning I saw this wretched thing and questioned what it’s supposed to mean. What’s the point of a concrete swing frozen in time? Why is it pale yellow? I don’t know what the actual intentions are for it, but to me it symbolized something very cynical, dark even. Like a warning sign to anyone entering campus, there’s a subliminal message of fruitless efforts, inhibition of joy, and an overall sense of hopelessness. Fruitless efforts for when you’re on a swing but the chains are fixed. Joy of a favorite pastime activity taken away. Knowing that even if the thing were to come to life, you’d only go back and forth indefinitely, until you got off. As of 5/20/16, I got off this swing and walked away.

It must be very hard for others to understand, with the great reputation for “higher education”. I understand this, and I also understand that this is my journey and you have your journey, and there aren’t going to be equivalencies at ever turn. But I mean every word when I say this was the hardest part of my life. To me, this was a time when I was thrown into a dark room with no light and no exit point. It was like being stuck on a road that never ends. I strapped myself into some sort of machine that looked like Kerry, but was not Kerry, and went about my life in the way that was asked of me. I didn’t feel like my life was my own. All efforts I put forth were washed down the drain so consistently that it brought me to the point where I even questioned if there was some divine intervention putting all it’s strength into sabotaging my plans and putting me on an entirely different route. It put a veil between me and the rest of world so that when I went to push, nothing moved. Every visualization of of trying to become something was squandered, and no one who knew me saw it. I don’t know how they could. When you’re moving through a similar medium, and people experience something entirely different from what you are, it is almost impossible for them to put themselves in your shoes, and so on top of everything also came isolation and loneliness.

Thankfully, when I turned away form the world and went inside, I found something. It was Metanoia, a light in the dark, something with potential disguised as something small and ambiguous. It was a seed, and it’s this seed that I’m going to water and nurture from now on.

The human race is dissonance, a cacophony of emptiness. People castrate their consciousness with alcohol, drugs, sex, money, and comfortable routine. Being even just a little disconnected from that in developing years allowed for an authentic emanation of self. This sets me apart more than anything else from my peers. It just may be the disruption in the pattern that made my efforts ineffective here. I found essence, and thats all I want to experience now, untainted by the vibrational garbage drowning it out and forcing it under. I look around to see that family and friends have not been as lucky to have a center. Or am I the unlucky one? Facing the blind deaf stone alone, it sometimes feels like I was placed in some sort of solitary confinement born out of the collective unconsciousness. When you enter, you begin to live another life entirely. Facing the blind deaf stone alone, I’m not accompanied with anyone who has the capacity to see me, or know what it is I’m trying to achieve here. I’m up against so much right now. I’m up against my unconscious peers when I seek enlightenment. I’m up against my genetics which was born out of generations of people who were afraid to take risks and lived comfortably numb, asleep at the wheel as my brother likes to put it. I have no role models, or examples to follow. I have no way of navigation. I have no finances. I only have a vague sense of the home that lies somewhere on the other side of this, far, far away. I desperately want to get there. I am uncertain, but determined, and maybe I needed Stony Brook University for this reason, to be plunged into darkness so that I would no longer tolerate anything but light, and everything that comes with it.

To all those listening, thank you, and I love you.

 

Artwork credited to Niken Anindita

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The Freedom to Choose

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Hello to all my loyal followers, and hello to any newcomers.

   Now that the spring semester has begun, most of my time and energy will be funneled into school, especially since I am trying to secure my graduation for May. This unfortunately means less  posts, and allotting any free time I have to writing my novel, so I apologize for the lack of posts over the next few months.

   I’m finding that this is a very unnerving time in my life where there is much uncertainty for the future, and fear of this unknown. It is not so much the typical scenario for all youth where there is a dilemma in not knowing ones purpose or passion. Its more of an anxiety brought on by the apparent lack of opportunity after a life of trying to produce just the opposite. This discomfort brings me to what I wish to talk about today.

   I see it in others and I see it in myself. Very often we believe that we are stuck in life. We don’t think we can get out of our career choice, our job, our relationship, our geography, our finances, or anything at all. Perhaps the mindset comes from knowing that these situations were completely circumstantial, which often is the main factor controlling where we end up in life at some point, despite our best efforts, and despite what we’re told about things like hard work and perseverance. But recently I was reminded of something, and it prompted me to take my own advice.

 

   I’ve seen horrific things that people must endure on this plane of existence, things I will not go into detail. I’ve been fortunate enough, and thankful for having a life in which I did not have to go through these things, and yet still be able to learn something from being a bystander. What I’ve learned from these people is that there always is a choice, no matter what. There really are no excuses.

   I must convey what making a choice actually entails here. When you are depressed for example, you do not simply decide to start feeling better and make it so the day after. This is what many people mistakenly say to others, especially those who have never been through great hardship (or for those who have and see this as a way to avoid their baggage rather than working with it and truly moving on). Change doesn’t work like that here. For some, it takes an entire lifetime to bring forth some manifestation, or a change in destiny. For these people, it was between that and never breaking free, and they chose freedom. With this, you are presented with the option to let life happen to you, or to gather up some courage for the long haul. I suppose everyone is different, but I  would rather have a life trying to get somewhere. I would not want to give my power over to circumstance. I do not believe thats what I, or any of us were meant to do. As the saying goes, “After all, none of us are getting out alive anyway”. In the end it didn’t matter what occurred for the people who took control of their destiny. What mattered was that they acknowledged their position, had a conversation with themselves, and started looking for a way to make a change. They evaluated what was worth taking and what was worth leaving behind.

   I have no idea if this will strike a chord with any of you at this time. Perhaps it does for some time in your past, or perhaps it will somewhere down the line in your future. Either way, I felt compelled to say something about this.

   For me personally, there is this feeling of being lost, but not in life, in another way entirely. I recently heard someone present the question “Where is my Joy?”. Yes, where is my joy? Where is that old friend? For me, it is misplaced in the distractions and the checklists and the obligations. I warn myself not to disconnect from the path that leads me to my bliss, because when I do, I could temporarily lose my way back to that. This is where I find myself now. Overcoming this may be the way to dislodge myself from the clingy sap of self doubt, mistrust, and disappointment.

   Perhaps getting back to oneself in this way is not as complicated as it feels. There’s a song by my favorite artist Aurora I wish to share that resonates with this.

   In her song, it is extremely frank, and yet so eloquently put.

   “I know I can. Thats why I do it.”

 

Featured image credited to Folkert Gorter

The Concept of Iridescence

People often ask me where the name of my website “iridescent souls” comes from. It is not something that I chose simply because I like the way it sounded or for the unique ring it has. It is actually an intrinsic part of Metanoia, the novel I have been writing.

Something drew me to the concept of iridescence long before I began writing Metanoia in 2013. For reasons unknown, I found the word strolling through my mind without cause. I suppose some writers have a fondness for certain words as a result of their love for the craft, but this didn’t provide a full explanation for me. I felt close to it. Something about it resonated with an unseeable chord. Perhaps it was because I thought it was beautiful, or intriguing, or maybe both. Recently, I had tried to put it into words in the journal I use for novel/blog synthesis:

“It’s this scattered, multifaceted energy that I experience in moments of clarity (ironically). One day I feel as though I could collaborate with graphic artists to make some of my ideas for illustrations and music videos a reality. Another day, something at school inspires me, and I want to apply for a grant to investigate environmentally friendly bottom paint for boats. Another day I am daydreaming about Metanoia, or numerology, or quantum physics and the holographic universe. But as I go from one moment to the next, it is not just the thoughts that shift and flicker, but also a state of being that transitions. Its almost as if I tapped into some sort of frequency that has several different hats, all of which lead to a creation. Each phase resonates a different wavelength, but comes from the same source, like a rock that is fragmented and cleaved to sparkle with several different colors, depending on how you look at it.”

 

Is this a personality disorder, or a symptom of the path I’ve taken in 2013, which is open to a limitless potential, pursuing the goal of a personal ascension?

When the story came to me in a huge rush from beginning to end, with the intricate overlying concept weaved through it all, iridescence found a place in the scheme. In Metanoia, iridescence has its own unique place in a  categorical system of souls. It is described as the medium that exists between two worlds: that of the angelic realm, and what I call the ‘soul collective’, which includes nearly everyone. This space is an area where the soul has no specific role, and sort of drifts through existence in an uncharacterized way. When the soul incarnates, they can’t help but find themselves outside of the norm, either by choice or physical circumstance. They float around in this in-between reality in which theres no true label to cling to, or no one designation to belong in. They simply be. As a result of this, their perspective exceeds that of the interpersonal, day-to-day existence. They’re pushed into a standpoint that encompasses the bigger picture, becoming a bystander that watches from the outside, and experiences a completely different truth as a result. It is no better or worse really, just different.

I suppose this creation of mine is a projection of how I understand the concept of iridescence. Its a word that doesn’t get a lot of attention despite its potential to invoke interesting imagery and feelings.

This all may sound confusing to some of you out there. I still feel as though there is a part to all of this that is uncommunicable. However, I did the best I could. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to pin it down more into something easier to understand.

As always, thank you for reading and joining me through all of this. If this was interesting to you, or you have something you’d like to share, don’t refrain from doing so. I wish everyone a lovely week, and don’t forget to embrace your own unique iridescence.

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Misguided Advice: An Experience With Undergraduate Advising

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”

-EE Cummings

I’ve recently read the novel The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. Although it is a little long for my taste, it’s extremely well written, with several brilliant take away messages. There is only one brief observation Tartt made in her work that I wish to focus on. It is how she describes college from a young Theo Decker, who applies to the University early due to circumstance.

Tartt chose to write about Theo’s perspective of his college professors. All of a sudden, you see that every adult in his life is certain about his interests, and think they know him and what he needs. The Philosophy teacher sees that he is obviously a philosopher who should get involved in their events outside of class. The English professor sees a paper he has written, and believes he must be dedicated to the topic he wrote about, as does all his other professors, who urge him to come to their club meetings and be involved with their pursuits. It reminds me of the expression “If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail”.

These people take what they know best, and project it onto youth as if it should be their truth as well, the only truth, rather than taking themselves out of their limited perspective and placing it in other positions. With good intentions, its all they know how to do, as that is how they became the people they are in the first place, seeing it as the best method.

   Ive experienced this as well. Everyone thinks they know what you need, and who you are. So much so that they are comfortable with defining you without close inspection, asking broad questions that, at best, link your identity to how you want to make money rather than your character or integrity. It is a fad carried by a world that doesn’t think for themselves, and believes whatever they are told growing up and into adulthood from people in seemingly (and I stress the word seemingly) higher positions than their own. They follow blindly without really asking any questions and assuming their given role indifferently. There are little opportunities, all which mask individuality and demand that you look like everyone else.

At my University, I learned that advisors don’t like it when they ask you what your goals are, and you inform them that there is nothing quite specific in mind, but rather a desire to be involved in something that has a positive impact. That is the answer I gave my undergraduate advisor, that I wasn’t certain exactly where I wanted to end up after this last year of college and beyond that. As long as it felt constructive and that I was doing something meaningful, it didn’t matter to me.

This answer went over her head, and she supplied a response that completely missed the point, blatantly ignoring my expressed desires, with the simple advice to research what employers want, take actions to become exactly what that is (like I couldn’t come up with this obvious plan on my own at this point in my life), and that perhaps I should look into sales (mind you, I have an Environmental Studies major).

I have to admit this pained me quite a bit. I patiently listened to her rant, politely nodding my head in between sentences and quietly giving her a restrained approval at each point made. “Your help is not helpful” I wanted to say. I shook her hand, and left her office feeling alone with my thoughts, sadly without much surprise either, filled with the helplessness of not knowing if there was anyone in this world I could approach who saw things differently. I knew in my core that what she said was so inconsequential to myself and my purpose, so useless that it hurt to think I was expected to adhere to people like her. Certainly I was not the only person who felt this way, (although I don’t know where to find these kindred souls), but was there even any other options to begin with? Did she give this response because there really is no way to make a difference and support oneself simultaneously? Are there no openings for improving the environment despite everything thats wrong with the world?

Many thoughts came to me as I left south campus and drove home. How she was just doing her job, and her advice is a product of the corporate world that we live in, which wasn’t wrong, but not necessarily right either. Where people, as I just explained, only have what they’ve pursued. They’ve followed what they were told to do out of fear of not being able to have the success others defined for them, not driven by integrity, but by what everyone else is doing. It seems that anyone who strays slightly from this line will either be excluded, or take on the allegedly difficult task of creating a place for themselves out of nothing.

“What am I going to do when I know I don’t belong in this world?”, I thought.

I didn’t know, still don’t know a week deep into my last year of college, and probably never will until everything is said in done in the next chapter of my life.

Unlike most of my posts, I didn’t write about this to prove something or produce some kind of conclusion, but rather draw attention to this. The lack of integrity. The scorn for being unconventional. Schools that aren’t focused on preparing youth for our broken world, but rather for the promise of a paycheck. No one asking the true state of things, or challenging what they’re given. Has anyone else noticed?

Thanks University, and thanks society, but I think I’ll be much better off without your ill-advised guidance.

What Is Nothing?

The following excerpt is taken out of The Convoluted Universe by Dolores Cannon. As an investigative hypnotherapist, Cannon made it her life’s purpose to explore the unusual information she encountered regularly during her therapy sessions. This particular quote came from a section called “The Void”.  The woman who sought out her counseling wanted to know more about an experience she had during meditation, where she found herself in a dark, shapeless emptiness. From her account, it was not scary, but still left her with many questions. Amid the explanation she gave while in trance, the subconscious provided this:

“The real reality is the consciousness and is the base of the consciousness, the pure emptiness, the nothingness, from which all consciousness stems… It is the darkness from which the light comes. It is beyond the light … And from the light comes differentiation that we call the somethingness”

Quite a mind bender. Although it resonated as soon as I read it, I had to go over it a few times to let the meaning seep in.

Modern science tells us that everything came from nothing, but this leads me to suspect that we don’t truly understand what “nothing” is. My simple explanation for understanding the “nothing” they speak of has always been this: Nothing is actually something, and this “somethingness” can be anything.

Still, this is only a philosophical understanding. It seems that only spirituality has confidently filled in these blanks with the idea of consciousness, and with that, revealing it’s relationship to light. It is written (or verbalized, I should say) so plainly in this book, and I am always taken aback with its matter-of-fact assertions, considering the depth of whats being said. It is that from consciousness, and from darkness, there is light, and that light provides the medium we understand as ourselves, our lives, and our universe.

So, what is nothing?

According to these sources, nothing can be everything.

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The Landscape of Metanoia

I know the expression “old soul” gets thrown around a lot to explain those who seem wise beyond their years, but I don’t quite see it this way. For one thing, it has the connotation that these people are better than others, more advanced. This isn’t true and simply doesn’t feel right. Just as our human age is an illusion brought on by the sensation of time, I do not believe that our souls are any older or younger than one another, but that we are all in fact the same age.

In the same way that all the matter we see had a beginning, with its atoms taking shape and dissolving back into its rudimentary state, consciousness also had its spark of life that unleashed everything all at once. So what creates such a dichotomy between ignorance and wisdom amongst ourselves? How are the two able to exist simultaneously?

In order to explain this, I am brought to the landscape of Metanoia (for more information regarding this word, visit my About page). Just as the Earth has its peaks and valleys, there are highs and lows through this medium of experience that I am writing about.

As we began to travel, we all went separate ways. With different circumstances to face, ranging from troughs and valleys covered in vegetation, to mountain heights towering over all that is, a person is altered and conditioned. In some of these places, you might not be able to see the sky above, where your world is contained and dense. Like tunnel vision, all you can see is what’s immediately in front of you. In this sort of environment, the feeling that there is only what you see becomes very convincing. Naturally, the illusion begins to make more and more sense, and anything else a far off reality. When we no longer think that there is more, we get lost and prohibit ourselves from experiencing anything further. Generations upon generations of this can birth a sort of limitless ignorance that is almost impossible to escape. This is how false evils are created and perpetuated, delusions are free to run rampant, and people stumble farther and farther away from the truth they once knew.

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But with the landscape of Metanoia being as dynamic as it is, this is thankfully not how it is for every soul. Fields reveal a horizon that lead to somewhere, and a sky that offers the possibility of infinity. Those who find themselves in the ocean can see this sky as well, but must constantly tread water. Some struggle up onto hill tops and mountain treks, where the understanding of what everything is comes with complete clarity. There are brave souls, whom I admire the most and associate most heavily with, who are trapped under a dense vegetation, deciding to climb the tallest trees in order to get a better view, driven by the desire to orient themselves.

With the diversity of the landscape comes the diversity of experiences. What is gained is a unique mark, the fingerprint of the soul, and we are lucky for this. With diversity you can be sure that there’s an individual, or perspective unique to your situation, and thus has the means for you to get to where you need to go. It is as if you came upon a stranger who has traversed the section of land ahead, and can give you advice, or even a map. You can also do the same for others along your travels. This is why it is important to have such diversity and to understand that there is no one route, or one truth. This cannot be with the condition of the landscape. This is why we must embrace our differences, as long as it doesn’t hinder the journey of others, and encourages the trek we have ahead. It is both varying and unified, more connected than separate. While the paths intersect in some places, and diverge in others, they’re all headed towards the same thing.

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Photos credited to Daniel Ranger and Kathryn Beals 

I’m Back!

I have neglected this blog for the last few months as a chapter of my life was coming to a close, and a new one was opening. However, I have not been inactive during this time. Over the course of three months, I’ve managed to clean out my room in heaps (still an ongoing process) to make room for new changes. Of course, this warranted some redecorating.

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I’ve organized a writing meetup in my community, which is growing and evolving by the day. With this has come a new Facebook Page and personal writing goals.

   Ive taken upon myself to expand my knowledge of spiritual subjects and our reality through some carefully selected reading material:

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Lastly, even though this seems like its not the right time to start a new hobby with my overwhelming expanse of interests, I’ve taken up painting.

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All this while the beach beckons, and family members would like to see my face eventually.

I have neglected Metanoia in lieu of all these distractions, as well as finally being able to relax after a busy semester. Coming back to the routine of writing posts has been on my mind for the past few weeks, but I didn’t want to begin without a plan of action. I needed enough ideas and material to initiate another wave of thoughts worth sharing so that Metanoia wont fall into a pit of abandonment like many others in the wake of life’s obligations and distractions. I think much of it simply has to do with getting into the habit of pulling useful things out of apparent monotony. Like many bloggers, I am guilty of missing important ideas or messages that every day life has to offer. Why aren’t I mentioning the small breakthroughs I have during writing gatherings? Why aren’t I sharing insights from my reading or conversations with friends and family? I believe that adopting this awakened behavior is not only important for this forum, but for the sake of living. We’re constantly moving, only thinking about tomorrow, failing to reflect and allow lessons that come through – either big or small – to take form.

Some ideas that I’m planing on posting in the future include:

1. The Landscape of Metanoia

2. What is nothing?

3. Sweet Potato Egg Boat: A Review (a nice break from these sometimes intense topics)

4. Metanoia playlist

5. Must-haves for the spiritual pioneer

I urge anyone reading this to give me any suggestions on what they’d like to read on a blog like mine based on their interests, or things they wish they saw more of. I welcome you to comment below or send me an email:

numerologyfiend@gmx.com

I hope you all have a lovely week!

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